Moving Forward, Coming Back Stronger

In November Larry, me, Reeve & Kaylynn  headed back to the big city, NYC.  We attended the Vascular Birthmark Foundation Conference.   It felt good to be around the families and kids with birthmarks.   We heard some of the best doctors speak about the latest treatments, and we got to have clinic appointments with Dr. Waner (our miracle man) and Dr. Stuart Nelson in Irvine CA.  

 

After meeting with Dr. Nelson,  we decided to have Kaylynn's next laser treatments in CA with him.   Dr. Nelson specializes in many different lasers, and we felt he would be able to give us multiple laser options to improve Kaylynn's face.   She looks amazing now.  Better all the time,  but you don't stop giving your kids the best.  

 

A few other things helped make our decision too:   California trip is easier, especially when one of my dearest friends lives in the area with twin girls Kaylynn's age,  and Dr. Nelson takes our insurance.   Whew,  no $8000.00 a laser.  10 was enough.   Kaylynn's next laser is Jan 23rd.  I will keep you updated.   Should be interesting since she is almost two.   She is going to be pissed!  

 

They always say that the holidays can be emotional for people who have lost a love one.   In March,  it will be 4 years since I lost my mom to breast cancer.   And this holiday season seemed to be the hardest on me.    I don't know if the last seasons I was just too busy, especially with last year getting my first round of chemo the day after Christmas.   But this year,  I can't stop looking around and seeing all the grandma's with their grandchildren and realizing, that my children will never truly experience how wonderful of a person she was.   My heart aches as I just want her in the house with us.   I just want to talk to her and hug her.  I would do anything to have her back.  

 

Then I stop to realize she is around us everyday.  I talk to her and I know her holiday spirit resides inside me as I love the season so much.   Memories are strong in my head.

 

2 More Rounds of chemo treatment and I'm done.    I've had some good and bad news.  What's new?     I had my 1 year bone scan and cat scan.  ALL CLEAR!   This is what I should continue to think about.  I'm alive and clear.  Almost done and starting to boob shop in Jan.   

 

It is hard though,  when I thought after I was done that I would just go back to my old body.   Well,  it doesn't work that way.   I'm having the post cancer stress syndrome (this is what I call it). My nutritionist and friend says "the reality of the trauma and unfairness of the illness has landed".   Hum,   what chemo does for the body?  I could give you about 30 pages. Chemo,  It is saving my life,  but damn did chemo have to take a 35 year old with 2 young kids and turn her into 55 or older?   This is my age  for right now.

 

Where do I start?   I look in the mirror, and yes I have hair,  but miss my longer blonde hair a lot.   I'm in menopause and never thought I wanted estrogen so badly.  Since my body has aged,  I can look at food and gain weight.  My skin is extremely dry and trys and get acne.   I've lost all muscle mass in my body even after working out hard since April.   Chemo eats all muscle large and small.   My feet have so much pain in them that I can't walk barefoot.   I tire easily.   And the latest big blow,  was after a bone density test,  I'm in full osteoporosis at 35 years old.   Hum,  would that be why after working out I hurt for 5 or more days and my back hurts.    There are few other issues that I will just leave out.    So,  if you know someone who has been through chemo,  you can now relate to them being pissed off at times. 

 

A good friend had some great words to lift me up.    She told me that the day,  I don't want to have a strong, good looking body,  that I stop fighting against what chemo did to age and tear up my body,  is the day we have to worry about me.  But for now I should be pissed.   So,  I'm just going to stay pissed for awhile. 

 

I went to a lunch for Wonders & Worries that had the president, Doug Uhlman, of the Lance Armstrong Foundation, 3 time survivor.  He was told by Lance Armstrong, that "we" cancer survivors are the lucky ones?   What?   He was right.   See,   we have are hard days or times,  but we slow down,  take in the good times, and realize what really matters in the world and life.  We appreciate every day that we wake up.   So we keep going and come out stronger.  And our bodies can even come back stronger.

 

After seeing my nutritionist,  I now understand that yes,  my body is 55,  but my heart (still young) and soul is still 35 years old.   Chemo took all my white blood counts, good and bad.   But now my body is producing new baby ones that need to be retrained.   And with hard work, the right knowledge, and 3 years (life span of white blood cells)  I can come out of this with a stronger happier body.    So,  I will keep fighting and moving ahead.  

 

I now can see why Lance was able to come back stronger.   Not only did Cancer give him the will to live life stronger, but he trained his new body to be the best it ever could be in life.   Don't take your body for granted.   Aging is tough on the mind and spirit,  and make your body work for you for a  long time.  Take care of you!

 

So,  what's 2009 going to be for me?    Truly take care of myself.   Put myself first for at least an hour or more a day. Slow down and live in the moment!   If I'm feeling good,  happy, healthy,  then I can truly give back.   I will have the energy to enjoy my kids,  love more,  appreciate my incredible and strong husband, and give back to the people who have supported me.  

 

I hope you can all learn from my words.  

 

Love to you all,

Traci