Only 6 more straight treatments for Taxol/Herceptin and then every 3 weeks of Herceptin until Feb 2009. We are getting there. Although, I'm getting weaker by the week. The good news is that chemo does not make me sick, it just makes me slow. I feel weak with no energy almost all the time. I'm slow to get out of bed in the morning. I'm not tired, just really slow. My legs cramp up a lot, and I shake more now. I seem to like dropping things now. It really sucks to be 34 and feel 80. No offense, Papaw.
I think I'm so tired now, I don't have the strength to get frustrated about not having control over a lot. But now I get pissed that the smallest tasks are so tiring. I am so lucky that Austin has had beautiful weather. The sun on make face keeps me smiling and moving. I try to play outside with the kids every afternoon. And I'm not stopping. I rest but not stopping.
We have had fun times at the Kolinek House lately. My family, Shaun, Kris, Maddy (6), Wesley (3.5) and Gus came to Austin to celebrate my mom's dad, my Papaw, 80th birthday. It was good to have the family all together. The kids had more energy and were on the go the whole time. I just wanted to feel good so I could play too. Gus lived in the kitchen and helped make an incredible lunch/dinner for us. Gus is good for kitchen duty and cooking. :) Usually I keep him busy with a honey to do list. Kris, my sister in law, would take on all four kids at once. Yikes!
The next week we so happy to see our good friends from Chicago, Koviaks. Bob, Nicole and Baby Alexi (who is 4 days younger than Baby Kaylynn) came to help. They filled the house full of fun, food, cooked great meals, and Bob stayed in the kitchen. Watching Bob play with the two girls was so sweet. While the girls where napping, Nicole would play Wii with Reeve. Baby Alexi and Baby Kaylynn had a blast together. They would just love on each other. So much, Kaylynn didn't want to nap much. Reeve loved chasing the girls, Easter morning when the Easter bunny came, the Koviaks had left early in the morning before we all woke up, Reeve saw the Easter eggs and gifts and went to get Alexi (or the New Baby as he called her) a bucket to get her eggs. He is my little care giver, when he is not telling mommy and daddy "no" now. :)
Because of me being tired, I get frustrated easier. I want my "old" life back. But I will look at all this a new way, right now, we just need to get me healthy. I figure I have a choice, I can either to sit around and be depressed and sorry for myself. Or I can take this head on, continue to enjoy everyday as a gift, count my MANY blessings, be thankful for the support of my friends and love ones. And then get stronger and give. I choose a good life.
I'm sending this today in memory of my mom, who passed away March 31, 2005 of Breast Cancer. She was truly my best friend. I can't believe I haven't got to physically talk to her in three years or hug her. It is true, it gets easier, but it is NEVER easy. Today was a little harder since I am currently fighting breast cancer. On the way to taking Reeve to school, I was turning on the kids CD of music but my CD of music came on from my KC Friends. Song Below:
(Melissa Etheridge)
It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Everyday that she gets herself dressed
Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast
If you ask her why she is still running
She'll tell you it makes her complete
[Chorus:]
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend I run for life
It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul
And now I'm still learning the lesson
To waken when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for us all
[Chorus]
And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers
Running for more
I just teared up and let it go. Then I looked back at my two beautiful kids and smiled. (Reeve just looked at me.) He said Mom Gus is in Heaven with Jesus. I said "yes". He then asked when she was coming back? I knew mom was there to help me smile. I then decided that I would drop Reeve off, call Gus, buy myself some beautiful flowers, and donate money to the Komen 60 mile walk I will do in October in memory of my mom. My flowers are beautiful just like the my mom was from the inside and outside.
It has been a hard year. I get pissed, I hate not being myself, I cry of frustration, I have fun, we have good times, I get tired, I'm slow, but I'm alive. And I learned to live my life the right way from my MOM. I will carry her spirit with me forever and pass it on to my babies.
Thank you all for being my caring. Thank you for all your help and support.
Love,
Traci
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